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  • New Year’s Resolutions: Hope, Shame, and the Illusion of Change

    In my last post, I addressed some of the factors related to the stress and anxiety of Christmas. Now, with the new year well and truly under way, it is often a time framed as one of hope, opportunity with attention shifting towards New Year’s resolutions; typically associated with self-development and personal change. The origins of New Year’s resolutions date back over 4,000 years to ancient Babylon and were later adopted by the Romans. The long history suggests that the new year has been viewed as a symbolic new beginning throughout much of civilised culture. It may seem odd writing about new year’s resolutions as we approach February, but this is the time most people give up on their new year commitments, and this blog post hopefully can be of assistance to someone to keep or get back on track.

    New Year’s Resolutions and Failure

    Despite this hopeful symbolism, New Year’s resolutions are often unrealistic and unachievable. They are frequently rigid, dichotomous, and ultimately self-defeating. Research consistently shows that the vast majority of people fail to sustain their resolutions, with many abandoning them entirely within a month. There are many reasons why resolutions fail, but I will focus on a few key, interlinked factors.

    Shame-Based Motivation

    The motivation behind phrases such as “new year, new me” is often rooted in shame. This may manifest as a desire to change one’s appearance, behaviour, or to become a “better person.” Such pledges are typically driven by all-or-nothing thinking, which paradoxically sets the conditions for failure.

    A crucial question to ask is: Who am I doing this for?
    The insecurities and beliefs that fuel these resolutions are often internalised perceptions of how we think others see us. Even if such goals are achieved, they may lack meaning or a genuine sense of fulfilment. The underlying motivation is not growth, but avoidance of shame, embarrassment, or disappointment.

    Preparing for Failure

    Benjamin Franklin is often credited with saying, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail,” a sentiment that applies well to unsuccessful resolutions. Not believing that a resolution is achievable; or not believing in it at all undermines commitment, planning, and motivation. Unrealistic goal setting, vague aims, and a lack of emotional readiness all contribute to failure. Shame further erodes commitment, fuelling a cycle of self-criticism, internalised worthlessness, and guilt around perceived “bad” behaviours. Whether a resolution is too vague or overly ambitious, it may ultimately damage self-esteem and confidence rather than enhance them.

    Tradition Before Commitment

    New Year’s resolutions are also shaped by tradition. Their long-standing presence in human history can create a sense of obligation to make a resolution, even when there is little genuine commitment or personal meaning attached to it. However, this modern sense of obligation arguably contradicts the original tradition. Historically, the new year was a time of reflection, looking back, making sense of the past, and thoughtfully considering the year ahead. Today’s secular, self-development-focused approach reframes the self as a project to be perfected.

    But we are not projects.

    A meaningful New Year’s resolution is not defined by the scale of change it promises. There is value in appreciating the year that has passed and acknowledging progress already made, without the pressure to become “better” or “fixed.” Obligation has replaced intention; self-development has replaced reflection. The pursuit of perfection has become a tradition in its own right; one that often intensifies insecurity and reinforces the need for validation from others, rather than fostering self-understanding or compassion.

    New Year’s Resolutions for Me

    This may suggest that New Year’s resolutions cause more harm than good, but that does not have to be the case. Some of my reflections may appear contradictory and perhaps that is the point. Many people’s New Year’s resolutions are incongruent with who they are. Incongruence refers to a mismatch between one’s internal emotions, beliefs, and values, and the external forces and expectations surrounding them. When motivations come from the outside, resolutions can become shame-fuelled, anxiety-driven, and quietly prepare us for failure. So, how might New Year’s resolutions feel more genuine and attuned to the self?

    Reflective
    New year, new me—but what is wrong with the old you? A new year does not require transformative change. Not only is this often unrealistic, but it is also frequently unnecessary. We are all vulnerable to the pressure of others’ expectations, but what matters most is what you feel, not what you believe you should become. So, try to reflect with authenticity, honesty and self-compassion.

    Be Flexible, but be Committed
    Rigid, all-or-nothing thinking turns growth into a pass-or-fail test. Progress does not disappear because plans change. Goals can be adjusted, paused, or reshaped without being abandoned. Flexibility allows space for curiosity rather than self-criticism. The author Charles Bukowski has engraved on his gravestone “Don’t Try” and I agree. Trying can be interpreted as avoidant procrastination from actually committing to something, trying to force something or to be something you are not. Allow your path to flow organically, embrace yourself with raw honesty – Worts and all. Don’t try – Go All the Way.

    Resilient
    Resilience is not about relentless discipline or pushing through discomfort at all costs. It is the capacity to return to oneself after setbacks without shame. Slips are not evidence of failure; they are part of being human. A resolution grounded in self-compassion strengthens confidence rather than eroding it. Perhaps the most meaningful resolution is not about becoming someone new, but about relating differently to who you already are.

    A new year can be a point of opportunity for change, but change can difficult. If there are topics that resonate with you and you see the new year as a new start: check out my Services Page or contact me at jon@attachedtherapy.co.uk.

  • Christmas

    Christmas, Anxiety, and Emotional Wellbeing

    In my previous blog post, I explored anxiety and how it shapes our emotional experiences. As Christmas approaches, it feels like a natural continuation of that conversation. While Christmas is often portrayed as a joyful time filled with connection, generosity, spirituality, celebration, amd even magical – this image does not reflect the reality for everyone. Instead, the festive period can bring heightened anxiety, loneliness, financial strain, and emotional turmoil. 

    Cultural expectations around Christmas can be overwhelming. Advertisements, social media, movies and longstanding traditions promote the idea that this should be a time of happiness, togetherness, and abundance. When lived experience does not match this ideal, it can leave people feeling as though they are failing in some way. This mismatch between expectation and reality can significantly impact general wellbeing, particularly for those already experiencing anxiety, low mood, or relational difficulties.

    The Pressure of Consumerism

    Gift giving has long been part of Christmas traditions, whether rooted in religious stories or folklore. However, in modern society, these traditions have become increasingly tied to consumer culture. The pressure to buy the “right” gifts, spend beyond one’s means, and meet social expectations can create significant stress. Events such as Black Friday intensify this pressure, encouraging urgency, comparison, and excess.

    We live in a culture that often prioritises instant gratification and external validation. There can be a subtle belief that love and care are measured by how much we spend, rather than by emotional presence, consistency, or understanding. For many people, this belief fuels anxiety, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy. Rather than bringing joy, the focus on consumption can disconnect us from the original meaning of the season, which across many traditions centred on reflection, connection, and community during the darkest months of the year.

    Christmas and Mental Health

    For a significant number of people, Christmas is emotionally demanding. Financial pressure is a major contributor to stress and worry, and many people report a decline in their mental health during the festive period. Feelings of anxiety, low mood, irritability, and emotional exhaustion are common responses to increased demands, disrupted routines, and heightened expectations.

    Loneliness is also a prominent issue at Christmas. Many people do not have close family, are estranged from relatives, or have experienced bereavement. Older adults and individuals living with disability are particularly affected, but loneliness can be present at any age. Even those who do have family may struggle, as Christmas often brings people together in ways that highlight unresolved conflicts, difficult family dynamics, or past relational wounds.

    Alcohol consumption tends to increase over the festive period and can further complicate emotional wellbeing. While alcohol is often used to relax or cope with social pressure, it can lower inhibitions, intensify emotions, disrupt sleep, and increase anxiety or low mood. In families where relationships are already strained, alcohol can contribute to conflict and emotional harm.

    It is important to recognise that feeling anxious, lonely, or overwhelmed at Christmas does not mean there is something wrong with you. These reactions are understandable responses to pressure, unmet emotional needs, and sometimes painful past experiences.

    Reducing Anxiety and Stress at Christmas

    There are ways to approach Christmas that may help protect emotional wellbeing and reduce anxiety.

    Reducing consumption and financial pressure can make a meaningful difference. Setting a realistic budget, prioritising essential spending, and focusing on what is manageable can help alleviate stress. Choosing gifts that are thoughtful rather than expensive, or limiting gift exchanges altogether, may reduce both financial and emotional burden. Presence, care, and connection are often more meaningful than material items.

    Seeking meaningful connection is another important factor. Connection does not have to look like large gatherings or traditional celebrations. It might involve spending time with trusted friends, engaging with a local community, participating in spiritual or reflective practices, or connecting with nature. During winter, when daylight is limited, even short periods outside during daylight hours can support mood and emotional regulation.

    Reaching out to others who may be alone, or allowing yourself to receive support, can also foster a sense of connection. Importantly, this should be guided by what feels emotionally safe and manageable for you.

    Setting boundaries around family and relationships is an essential aspect of emotional self-care. While Christmas is often framed as a time for family togetherness, it is not always emotionally safe or healthy for everyone. If certain relationships feel critical, invalidating, or overwhelming, it is okay to limit contact or choose alternative ways of spending the holiday. Protecting your emotional wellbeing is not selfish; it is necessary.

    Being mindful of alcohol use can also support mental health. Noticing how alcohol affects your mood, anxiety levels, and interactions with others may help you make choices that prioritise your wellbeing. Reducing intake or choosing not to drink at all can support emotional regulation and reduce the likelihood of conflict.

    A More Compassionate Approach to Christmas

    Christmas does not need to look like the idealised version presented in media and advertising. It can be quieter, simpler, and more aligned with your emotional needs and values. You are allowed to approach the festive period in a way that feels manageable rather than overwhelming.

    For some, this may mean letting go of certain traditions, simplifying plans, or focusing on rest and reflection. For others, it may involve creating new traditions that prioritise safety, connection, and meaning.

    If Christmas brings up anxiety, loneliness, grief, or relational pain, therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these experiences with compassion. You do not have to navigate this season alone, and there is no single “right” way to experience Christmas.

    Above all, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid. Christmas can be difficult, and acknowledging that reality is often the first step toward caring for yourself with compassion

    If Christmas has been a difficult period for you and see the new year as a new start: check out my Services Page or contact me at jon@attachedtherapy.co.uk.

  • “I Have Anxiety”

    My last blog looked at the impact and experience of loneliness and links to my next topic of anxiety. “I have anxiety” is a phrase I hear often, but not always sure of the perceived interpretation.  Maybe it is used to to describe how people experience the world or how they feel in certain situations. Yet, anxiety is much more than a condition or diagnosis; it is a core human emotion, just like happiness or sadness. Anxiety is such an important and complex emotion, playing a vital role in our survival, growth, and motivation.

    So why do so many of us talk about anxiety as if it were an illness, virus or disease; something to be caught, treated, or cured?

    What Is Anxiety, and Why Is It So Important?

    Anxiety is a natural, evolutionary response designed to protect and prepare us from threat and a mechanism for survival. It helps us to anticipate risk, plan ahead, and stay alert. In its balanced form, anxiety sharpens attention, motivates action, and supports problem-solving, all essential for thriving as human beings.

    Anxiety can arise as both a primary emotion (a direct reaction to a situation) and a secondary emotion (masking or amplifying other feelings such as sadness, frustration, or anger). It’s often confused with fear, but the two are different. Fear being a short-term response to a clear, immediate danger; anxiety more diffused, often rooted in uncertainty, anticipation of the future and provoked by memories of the past.

    How Do We Experience Anxiety?

    Anxiety is experienced through a complex interaction of thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations, and behaviours. A healthy level of anxiety keeps us safe and motivated, but when it becomes excessive or disproportionate, it can interfere with daily life.

    Overwhelming anxiety can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses and cause physical symptoms such as tension, restlessness, or rapid heartbeat. It can also lead to avoidance, rumination, and self-doubt. When this pattern becomes persistent and distressing, anxiety can develop into a disorder that affects both mental and physical wellbeing.

    Why Is Anxiety So Common Today?

    In recent years, we’ve made great progress in understanding and talking about mental health related conversations; people are more open, compassionate, and informed than ever before. Yet this progress has also contributed to the over-medicalisation of human emotions; everyday stress or worry, once viewed as normal is sometimes now labelled as a mental health problem.

    At the same time, anxiety disorders are genuinely increasing, especially among younger people. This rise is not without reason. We live in a world of constant change and uncertainty:

    • 24-hour news cycles filled with stories of war, climate change, threat of Artificial Intelligence, and political instability
    • Economic and social pressures affecting security and opportunity
    • Social media narratives that amplify comparison, perfectionism, and fear of inadequacy

    There is no single cause. Modern anxiety reflects a complex mix of rapid social change, technological advancements, and economic uncertainty and lifestyle changes that challenge our sense of safety and control.

    When Does Anxiety Become Problematic?

    Everyone experiences anxiety, it’s part of being human; but for some, anxiety becomes chronic or overwhelming, interfering with relationships, work, and self-esteem.

    This can be influenced by:

    • Past trauma or adverse childhood experiences
    • Chronic stress or burnout
    • Physical or mental health issues
    • Substance misuse
    • Genetics
    • Early attachment or relational patterns

    These factors can make us more sensitive to threat or uncertainty. Over time, anxiety may distort how we think, feel, and behave. Overthinking, avoidance, or impulsive coping strategies, such as withdrawal or substance use can intensify anxiety.

    The key is recognising and accepting that anxiety itself isn’t the “enemy.” It’s how we respond to anxiety that determines whether it becomes destructive or constructive.

    Responding to Anxiety: Three Key Approaches

    1. Acceptance

    Acceptance doesn’t mean surrendering or letting anxiety take over. It means acknowledging your emotions without judgement and having more choice in how to respond. Stop fighting and the struggle against anxiety and begin to understand it, through acceptance allow yourself to have more freedom from its control.

    Practices such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or mentalisation can help you observe anxious feelings rather than be consumed by them. Acceptance promotes clarity, calm, and flexibility creating space for healthier choices.

    2. Self-Compassion

    Self-compassion is not indulgence or being self-absorbed, but a sign of strength. It means treating yourself with understanding, honesty, and empathy rather than harsh self-criticism. Many people believe that being tough on themselves will motivate change, but in reality, criticism fuels shame, guilt and anxiety.

    By practising self-compassion, you build emotional resilience the capacity to meet challenges without collapsing under them. It’s about being kind but accountable, accepting imperfection, and remembering that growth is a process.

    3. Challenging Unhelpful Thoughts

    Anxiety often distorts thinking, making us assume the worst or underestimate our ability to cope. Learning to challenge these thoughts can reduce their power. Remember: thoughts are not facts, but interpretations filtered through past experiences.

    Ask yourself:

    • What evidence supports this thought?
    • Is there another, more balanced, logical, reasoned perspective?
    • What would I say to a friend who felt this way?

    Approaching anxious thinking with curiosity rather than fear helps to regain perspective and confidence.

    Embracing Anxiety as a Human Condition

    Many causes of anxiety are beyond our control, and may not be our fault, but our response is our responsibility. When we recognise anxiety as a natural human emotion rather than an illness to be eradicated, we can approach it with understanding instead of avoidance.

    The medicalisation of anxiety has helped many people receive vital treatment and support; but it can also be factor for helplessness, as if anxiety is something external that must be cured. In reality, anxiety is part of being alive. The next time you think, “I have anxiety,” try reframing and embracing it.You don’t have anxiety like a virus; you experience it as a protective emotion that sometimes misfires and often be misguided in the modern world. When acknowledged and guided with care, it becomes a tool for awareness, motivation, and personal growth.

    Anxiety is not a flaw. It’s an integral, meaningful part of the human experience. If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences. You’re not alone in navigating these feelings and connection begins with conversations like these. Check out my Services Page or contact me at jon@attachedtherapy.co.uk and please join me next month to my post on Christmas.

  • Loneliness

    Loneliness: More Connected Than Ever, Yet Still Alone

    I am using this space to write about meaningful topics that impact people’s lives on a daily basis. It is an opportunity for me to introduce myself through my authentic ponderings. Furthermore, exploring meaningful topics will hopefully deepen my own insight, understanding, and help build trust with you (the reader).

    I do hope to have readers and not to be alone, which brings me on to the first topic and to discuss the issues of loneliness.

    Loneliness in a “Connected” World

    We often hear that loneliness is reaching epidemic or even pandemic levels. But why are so many of us feeling this way? And more importantly, what can we actually do about it?

    Talking of a pandemic: there does seem to be a correlation between COVID-19 and the current societal issues with loneliness. There was a brief moment when there was camaraderie among people, a sense of opportunity and hope that we would come out the other side a better society. There was a sense of unity: people checked on neighbours, cheered for healthcare workers, and flooded social media with community support.

    As lockdowns eased, that sense of unity faded. And something deeper seemed to have taken its place. In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, loneliness seemed to intensify.

    Before COVID, about 25% of people in the UK reported feeling lonely “often” or “always.” After lockdown, that number rose to 41% (British Red Cross, 2020). That’s a staggering shift in how people are experiencing their social world.

    Has Digital Connection Made Us More Disconnected?

    During the pandemic, digital tools became our lifeline; Zoom calls, WhatsApp chats, virtual quizzes. They gave us some sense of connection when face-to-face contact wasn’t possible, but in the long term, they may have deepened a different kind of disconnection.

    Social media, for instance, can both have the ability to bring people together and tear them apart. It offers the promise of community, but often delivers curated comparisons, arguments, and a surface-level connection that doesn’t meet our deeper emotional needs.

    It reminds me of the myth of Pandora’s Box: social media opens up so much potential for connection, learning, empowerment, but also seems to unleash division, anxiety, and a loss of self. This paradox doesn’t just distance us from others it can distance us from ourselves.

    (I’ll explore the topic of social media more in a future post.)

    What Is Loneliness, really?

    According to the Campaign to End Loneliness (The Guardian, 2024), loneliness is:

    “A subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have, and those that we want.”

    In other words, loneliness isn’t just about being alone. You can feel isolated in a crowd, disconnected in a relationship, or unseen among thousands of online “friends.”

    Loneliness is a mismatch between the connection we crave and the connection we actually have.

    Why Loneliness Hurts (More Than We Think)

    Loneliness isn’t just emotionally painful, but it has serious implications for our health.

    Emotionally, it’s tied to:

    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Suicidal thoughts
    • Substance misuse — especially among men, who are twice as likely to turn to alcohol as a coping strategy (Walsh & Schlauch, 2024)

    Physically, loneliness increases the risk of:

    • Heart disease by 29%
    • Stroke by 32%
      (Source: Office of the Surgeon General, 2023; Daoust, 2024)

    It’s not just a “feeling.” It’s a public health crisis. And the pandemic comparison? I don’t feel it is an exaggeration.

    So, What Can We Do About Loneliness?

    There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but there are ways we can gently begin to reconnect with ourselves and others.

    Here are a few reflections:

    1. Be Mindful About Technology Use

    This isn’t about quitting social media or shunning technology. It’s about intentional use. Are we using our time online to connect meaningfully or just to scroll and numb?

    We’ve all fallen into YouTube rabbit holes or endless scrolling. Instead, try asking:

    “How is this helping me feel more connected, or less?”

    2. Redefine Productivity

    Often, when we feel lonely, we try to stay “busy.” But productivity doesn’t have to mean doing more it can mean doing what meets your needs.

    What nourishes your emotional, mental, and physical well-being? Maybe it’s journaling, a walk in nature, listening to music, or reaching out to a friend.

    3. Connect With the Present

    Mindfulness even in small ways helps bring us back to the here and now. Feeling your feet on the ground. Breathing deeply. Noticing the world around you. Going for a walk and embracing the nature. Consciously doing a kind act for a stranger. These tiny acts can break the cycle of overthinking and help you feel rooted in the present.

    4. Reflect on the Relationships You Have

    Ask yourself:

    • Do I feel seen and heard in my relationships?
    • Which connections bring me energy, and which drain it?
    • What kind of relationships am I truly seeking?

    It’s not selfish to want meaningful connection. In fact, it’s human.

    Final Thoughts: We Need Each Other

    Digital technology has a role to play, and it can enhance human connection when used intentionally and compassionately. But it can’t replace what we fundamentally are: social mammals. We need touch. We need presence. We need to feel understood.

    If you’re struggling with loneliness right now, you’re not weak or broken. You’re human.

    And you don’t have to face it alone.

    If you need to speak to someone or find support, visit: https://attachedtherapy.co.uk/

    Let’s Stay Connected

    If this post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What helps you feel more connected in a disconnected world?

    Leave a comment, reach out, or just take a moment to reflect — either way, thank you for reading.

    Until next time.
    Jon Wibberley MSc MBACP – Integrative Counsellor and Psychotherapist

    References

    British Red Cross Life after lockdown: Tackling loneliness among those left behind. [2020-06-19]. https://www.redcross.org.uk/-/media/documents/about-us/research-publications/health-and-social-care/life-after-lockdown-tackling-loneliness-among-those-left-behind-report.pdf.

    Office of the Surgeon General (OSG) (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. [online] PubMed. Washington (DC): US Department of Health and Human Services. Available at: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf.

    Walsh, B.E. and Schlauch, R.C. (2024). Differential Impact of Emotional and Social Loneliness on Daily Alcohol Consumption in Individuals with Alcohol Use Disorder. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, [online] 264(112433), pp.112433–112433. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2024.112433.

  • Hello World!

    Welcome to Attached Counselling and Psychotherapy
    Your space to feel heard, understood, and supported

    I am so glad you’ve found your way here. I personally believe everyone deserves access to compassionate, non-judgemental support, especially during life’s most challenging moments.

    Whether you’re struggling with anxiety, low mood, relationship difficulties, loss, trauma, or simply feeling stuck, therapy can offer a safe and confidential space to explore what you’re going through. My aim is to help you reconnect with yourself, strengthen your emotional wellbeing, and support meaningful change in your life.

    We understand that taking the first step can feel daunting. To help you decide whether we’re the right fit for you, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. This blog will be a space where I share my services, insights about therapy, mental health awareness, emotional wellbeing, and tips for navigating life’s complexities whether you’re new to therapy or have been on this journey for some time.

    Thank you for being here. We look forward to walking alongside you.

    Warm wishes,
    Jon Wibberley MSc MBACP
    Attached Counselling and Psychotherapy